I had a very strange and moving experience last night. I was asked to consider being on a Board of Directors for a local arts foundation. Last night was kind of a first meeting get to know me thing by the other members of the board. I thought I should try to be as "manly" looking as possible so I pulled my hair back, put on baggy khakis and a leather jacket and put on my thick rimmed Ray Bans to try to take attention away from my eyebrows. The evening went along really well I was feeling very happy and confident. Then nearing the end of the night and after several glasses of wine one of the women on the board approached me alone and gave me a crooked smile.. she said "You are very sensitive aren't you?" "I guess so".. I responded, kind of confused. She continued "I think you are really brave.. and you look so happy".. "Thanks but I am not really sure what you mean?' I said. "Well.. you are...
evolving.. aren't you?.. becoming what you really feel you should be right? Becoming what makes you happy"… I was shocked, I am sure my jaw dropped.. she lightly grabbed my arm and said, you
are transitioning into a woman aren't you? I mean you are just so beautiful, I really mean that".. I tried to speak but I don't think what came out was English.. I was stunned… I went from feeling very confident to feeling completely vulnerable and foolish… how I could I be so stupid? I literally thought no one knew.. at least not when I was in boy mode. I came home completely shattered in a way.. I am still today trying to figure out what it means.. have I been more known than I realized all this time? Should I start telling people? Should I only dress as a woman now? I am very confused. I thought I could manage two separate identities. Sorry this was a serious post.. I guess I am using it as therapy.
I'm sorry about the tough spot you ended up in - and those questions in your post are all tough questions, I guess. I don't know that you've ever clarified what the end goal of this phase in your life is. I could easily imagine that it's something that you're willing to remodel your legal/social identity etc. to pursue, and I could also imagine that it's just a (very seriously pursued) bit of fun explored principally for erotic value. Do you consider yourself to be transitioning? Do you aim to dwell somewhere between the genders? Please remember that whatever personal satisfaction you've gotten out of it, so far as us readers know it's just been clothes, makeup and hormones; nothing's irreversible and you can end it all tomorrow if you choose. Assuming you don't - well, in a broad sense this question lurks out there for all of us I suppose, but... do you know who you want to be?
ReplyDeleteHi there! Thank you so much for your consideration and care. I have not stated my end goal as I honestly dont know what it is. As each day passes something happens that I have always said would never happen and more seems possible everyday that I would never have believed even just a few months ago. I have never considered myself to be transitioning until recently. As I spend more and more time as a woman it seems that is whats happening whether I want it to or not. I actually do not have a firm grip on who I want to be right now no...
DeleteI just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who sent personal notes of encouragement to me. I really appreciate it!
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